Hard times

Yesterday and today have been some of the hardest days I can remember. On Sunday, we got home around 7 p.m. Our house was really hot because we turned the air conditioner warmer while we were gone (like 100+ degrees hot), even though it was running when we walked in the door. So Matt didn't fall asleep until 9 p.m. instead of his usual 6:30-7 p.m.

So yesterday he was exhausted since he wakes up around 6 a.m. no matter what time he goes to bed. The first part of the day was okay. Jeff always does everything in the morning before he goes to work, which is the best thing ever. I was on my own with Matthew in the morning then one of my friends drove me to the doctor and another friend watched Matt at the house.

My ankle is looking great, apparently. The nurse was incredulous that I had surgery so recently due to the level of swelling; she kept asking me if I was sure of the surgery date. The doctor agreed that it looks great. They took the huge scary metal staples out, x-rayed it, said not to put any weight on it for four weeks and keep icing and elevating, and sent me to make a physical therapy appointment.

Back home, Matt ate lunch and took a nap. I was so, so tired when he was sleeping, but there are so many things to do. I also hate napping because I usually feel a lot worse when I wake up. So I called about some bills because the hospital didn't apply our insurance, accepted an editing assignment, replied to a million emails, then lounged on the couch for a few minutes. My ankle was hurting more than usual since I don't want to take painkillers while I'm the only adult here, and I just felt sick, sick, sick. And hungry, but with no appetite.

Then Matthew woke up. He was okay for maybe an hour. Around 2:30, he started fussing and crying nonstop. I knew he wouldn't nap again, but I also couldn't distract him with books, food, toys, cuddles, anything. He was just so exhausted. Jeff came home around 4:30, about half an hour into my and Matthew's "laying on the livingroom floor and crying" jag. Normally, we'd go outside and play or go for a walk, but I just can't do that right now. It's not possible.

When Jeff got home, I took some painkillers, propped my foot up on the couch, and slept for an hour. It was ridiculous, considering I rarely nap, especially in the evening. Jeff took care of Matthew until he went to bed at 6 p.m. I had high hopes that today would be easier since Matt was catching up on sleep again. Tiredness is the thing that makes him most unhappy for sure.

This morning when I woke up, I could barely stand the thought of getting out of bed. I just kept crying and crying. I had a headache and felt vaguely sick. I made it to the couch and then thought I'd never be able to move again. I really wanted Jeff to be able to go to work since he's had to take so many days off already, but it was a big relief when he said he would stay home. I got back in bed at 8 and didn't wake up until 11. Also ridiculous. I rarely sleep 3 hours at a stretch even at night, just because I'm bad at sleeping.

I ate a couple bites for lunch then told Jeff he could go to work for the rest of the day. I still feel kind of awful, but I just can't stand to be such a liability around here, not being able to do anything. But I also just feel so bad physically that I don't know how we'll make it through the afternoon. I need to do my crying while the baby is sleeping and somehow try to make it through.

The worst thing is that I'm just so tired, and I can't do anything, and, really, I just feel like this is the hardest time I can remember. I need for someone else to be in charge, but there is no one else. I know it's a situation where we just need to wait for time to pass and know that God is in control, but right now it seems so unmanageable and impossible.