One of my favorite bloggers recently wrote about how she sometimes feels "mommy guilt." From what I gather, this is the feeling that people get when they *gasp* sometimes put their own needs or wants above those of their kids. Or when they have to go to work instead of staying home with kids. Or when there's just not enough time in the day to spend as much time with the kids as desired. Or any other combination of things in which they perceive they are slighting their kids in some way.
I can understand how a person would feel that way. I know a lot of people who put pressure on themselves in various ways and whose unrealistic expectations, once unfulfilled, could morph into guilt. And most of them are, admittedly, female with children. In fact, Jeff would tell you, and I would usually agree, that I am definitely a person who expects too much of herself and gets into slumps when not able to accomplish everything I want to. My disappointments don't translate into guilt, though, so much as into actual disappointment, sadness, and discouragement.
For example, say I do about 99% of washing dishes and laundry. And I take care of Matthew all day. (I can't really include that in the "work" category, since we play most of the time, but it is still difficult at times.) When he's awake, he gets at least 80% of my attention at all times. As much as I'd like to just stick him in the doorway bouncer thingy or the exersaucer for a while and do something else, it's not going to happen (maybe I avoid that type of "mommy guilt" triggers unconsciously?) And say I also try to put in time for my paying job and for writing letters to my relatives I don't get to see very often. Occasionally I do some of the cooking. Most of the time this is all very doable. Sometimes not. And if I'm really tired and haven't gotten everything done I want to, sure, I'll feel some sort of negative emotion. But again, not guilt.
The original blogger wrote: "I wrote a post this week at CafeMom to discuss my parenting philosophy of experiences/education vs. stuff and to talk about how that soothes my Mommy Guilt and .. and I was genuinely surprised at the responses. The OVERWHELMING MAJORITY of commenters 1) have no guilt whatsoever, 2) didn’t quite grasp the concept of Mommy Guilt being self-imposed and 3) made the assertion that it’s brought on by my working outside of the home.
HOW INCREDIBLY FREEING, TO FEEL NO ACCOUNTABILITY! I CANNOT FATHOM."
I fall into the first category, scoff at the readers who fall into #2 (reading comprehension amongst commenters, apparently not so good), and feel it's a bit presumptuous for people to assert #3 when that's not their experience.
But then, I begin to feel a little angry. That last quoted sentence, all caps in the original, seems just reactionary. I know this is the internet and all, and people blog precisely to say how they feel––as I'm doing now––but it strikes me as unfair to assume that all people who do not share a common experience with you are immediately wrong. Or irresponsible. Or unaccountable for their actions.
Not feeling guilty ≠ no accountability.
Not feeling guilty ≠ "freedom" per se.
We each make our choices. Here's where the post gets boring and philosophical. I think a lot. I had a hard time as a teenager. My mom is an alcoholic. It was rough. But in the end, I'm a lot more "me" for having had that experience. Let me explain.
I've learned a lot: We can't choose how other people are. We can only choose how we are. This relates to "mommy guilt" being self-imposed. I went to Al-Anon for a couple years, where I mainly napped and ate cookies while old ladies talked about their husbands' drinking problems. But a good thing was reading the "The Twelve Steps of Al-Anon," (into which, incidentally, I don't place much stock. But I find them good to think about). Step 4 is "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I think people should do this regularly. Then follow it up with Steps 5-9. (You'll have to Google here if you're actually that interested.) And then, presto! What's there to feel guilty about?
Another thing: Some other time that I found difficult, I was reading the Bible. I got to Matthew 22:39: "Love your neighbor as yourself." And I thought, Oh, that's so difficult. How can I love my neighbor as myself if I don't love myself? It was the proverbial lightbulb over the head, and I realized I had to take care of myself first, to be able to love others.
So this is what I try to do. Take care of myself (with Jeff's reminders, because really I do have a hard time just relaxing and not doing something every single minute). Then take care of Matthew and Jeff. Then do other stuff.
But we still haven't gotten to the part that makes me angry! (It's like politics. All these people take the narrow view that everyone who disagrees is an idiot for whatever reason. We all have different experiences! Different priorities! Different struggles!)
The original blog states at the end, summarizing the writer's struggle between staying with her sick kid and meeting her running group, "So .. according to most of those readers, I should’ve shoved my kid off and gone off to run without thinking a second thought about it. Yeah. Sorry, I’m just not that mom."
THAT'S THE THING! We AREN'T all saying that! Some people may be. I am just asking for my experience to be validated. Not agreed with necessarily but just accepted for as it is. I, personally, would not choose exercise over sick kid. Some people might. And that's their prerogative. They may need that run to be able to continue. When Matthew was a newborn, I often chose hot, sound-muffling shower over trying to comfort fussy (not-hungry, I should clarify) Matt in the late evening when Jeff was home. (Incidentally, is there "daddy guilt"?)
And then I get really angry. First let me preface it by saying that I know blog commenters often write things to make the person posting feel better about him or herself or to feel a sense of support. But still. Here are the lowlights of the comments:
- Oh lord. LIARS. Seriously. I don’t know ONE mother who hasn’t at ONE point broken down because they felt the mommy guilt (whether it be go to work, go exercise, go – heaven forbid – take time for themselves…what have you). [...anecdote about commenter's own guilt...] Again I say, Liars. If your child is your world (which for most moms is the case) then you’ve felt at least SOME mommy guilt at some point.
- I honestly believe that Mom Guilt is simply Us Wanting To Always Be Better. If people like you and I – who want to always be better – are SAHMs we would feel guilty. Working Moms: Guiltly. Millionaire Moms with Perfect Children: GUILTY. Because no matter how perfect we may be living our lives, we always want to be BETTER. And the side effect of that is guilt. And I think it’s an okay trade off. If you’re not trying to be better…then you’re stagnant and I’m glad our children grow up with role models like us who never accept things as they are and always want them to be better. Even if sometimes that leaves us with irrational guilt.
- There are plenty of moms who live without the burden of mommie guilt. They leave their kids in the car in 100+ degree heat and think it is fine because the locked the doors and rolled the windows up to prevent anyone from kidnapping their babies. They lock their kids in the closet while they go have a drink and watch a movie and feel good because their children can’t get hurt with anything inside the closet. I could tell hundreds of true stories of how guilt-free parents “take care” of their kids, but most of them haven’t been to court yet and can’t be discussed.
My summary of quasi-personal attacks for not feeling "mommy guilt," based just on the comments above (the worst of the worst, admittedly):
- You're a liar. Your child is not your world.
- You must not want to improve your life. You're not such a good role model.
- You think it's okay to threaten your kid's life and emotional well-being to do whatever you want (back to the not-guilty ≠ lack of accountability).
Now I've written and I'm over it. What's your experience? What are your thoughts? And, if you're a dad, how's that the same or different?
I felt guilt leaving for work when my son was crying during the first few months of his life. At the same time, I recognized that the guilt I felt was irrational -- I knew I had nothing to feel guilty about. He was in good (albeit tired) hands with his father. It was extremely painful but it helped to know it wasn't rational. Now that we have a routine, no guilt.
ReplyDeleteYou're spot on about the attack. It IS just like politics. They can't see the gray, can't look beyond their own experience, can't acknowledge more than one right answer.