Fear... and loathing

It's so much easier to be afraid.

Today I had a whole free day stretching out in front of me - hours and hours to do whatever I wanted. I wanted to go running. But then, I started thinking, "What if my back starts hurting again? What if my shins hurt? I haven't run in weeks - it would be better if I started out with a short walk. I probably shouldn't go - I've had this cough all week and it's already harder to breathe than normal. Also, it's rainy. That will make my lungs hurt even more." I wanted, more than anything, to put my running shoes on and go for a very short, 10-minute jog. But, but, but. It was so much easier to think of all the reasons it would be better to stay in the house, read a book, drink some coffee. My body would thank me later, right?

When we do timed laps at practice, I feel the same fear. It's not a specific fear, and it's not a rational fear. We'll be doing "as many laps as you can in 5 minutes," and 2 minutes into it, I'll start thinking, "Oooh, I'm feeling good. I should go faster." And then somehow, it turns to "I could go faster. But what if I feel like I can't breathe when we're done? What if I get a cramp in my side? What if I'm tired at the 3-minute mark and have to slow down?" It's so much easier to keep coasting along at the same speed.

I know this happens to other girls; I've heard people say, "I could master crossovers if I wasn't afraid of falling, I could do turnaround stops if I wasn't afraid of pulling a muscle (that one was me, too, a few months ago), I could hit harder if I didn't dwell on how much it might hurt." Et cetera.

It's so much easier to be afraid.

Stay in the house, skip practice if you're feeling a little tired, just put your gear on and put in a halfhearted effort. But then! Such loathing! The day flies by, practice is over and you're not as sweaty as you should be, you didn't give any decent hits in the scrimmage, and you go home feeling the same as when you left.

One thing I love about roller derby is how it gives you a chance every practice, every scrimmage, every bout to overcome that insidious, sneaky fear that tells you to just play it safe, only push yourself just to your limits but not beyond them, and that will be good enough. The only way I've found to overcome that fear is to let the worst happen. Fall doing those crossovers. Do super-slow turnaround stops until you're dizzy. Hit harder and secretly admire your shoulder bruises when you get home.

It's so much easier to be afraid, but it's so much more rewarding to go all-out and not loathe yourself for wasting opportunities to get better, stronger, faster... less afraid and more like the person you want to be.

And now, philosophizing done, I've got to go stretch my back, ice my shins, and chug some cough syrup.