One thing about being a mom that’s weird (among a whole collection of weird things) is how other parents seem to be competing. I’m not competing. I try really hard to not say things that could possibly make other parents feel bad. This results in me having conversations that are even more awkward than the awkward conversations I already have. For example, Mr. Pudgeball happens to be a bigger baby than most of the other babies we’ve met, even when the other babies are a couple months older. The conversations go something like this:
Other mom: How old is your baby?
Me: Oh, about 4.5 months.
Other mom: Whoa - how much does he weigh?
Me: Somewhere around 17 pounds. How old is your baby?
Other mom: 7 months.
Me: Oh, he’s so… (Can’t ask about weight. Baby is clearly much smaller. Panicking. Don’t want to say “little” since some people seem to think it’s an insult. Which it totally isn’t.) …nice. You have a nice baby. Yeah, he’s nice. Oh, look! He’s smiling! Yay. Babies.
Or they go like this:
Other mom: So what did you used to do for work before staying home?
Me: I’m a copyeditor. I still work a little bit. What about you?
Other mom: Oh, well, my job as a (state former job here) was super important, but of course I quit so I can give my baby all of my attention.
Me: That’s so great. I’m so happy for you.
Other mom: I just don’t see why you would keep working.
But wait! This particular topic can take the opposite, equally awkward, turn:
Other mom: So what did you used to do for work before staying home?
Me: I’m a copyeditor. I still work a little bit. What about you?
Other mom: Well, I still work of course. I wish I didn’t have to. It’s not really fair that I have to work when other people don’t.
Me: Yeah. Life is so unfair.
Or this:
Other mom: So what did you used to do for work before staying home?
Me: I’m a copyeditor. I still work a little bit. What about you?
Other mom: Well, I still work of course. Sometimes it’s hard to be a working mom, but I want my kids to grow up and know that strong women can balance it all. I can’t imagine staying home all day. I would go crazy. Plus my kid needs to go to daycare for socialization.
Me: (Thinking, If you think I’m not a strong woman, you’ve clearly never met a strong woman. Must mumble something to make conversation stop.) Mmmhmm. Oh, I think my baby needs his diaper changed.
More fun topics:
Other mom: You use cloth diapers? I wanted to use cloth, but (enter reason here)
Other mom: You’re breastfeeding? That’s so great. I wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t work because (enter reason here).
Me: Yeah. (Thinking, This conversation has nothing to do with me. Say something vague.) Everyone makes different choices.
I like talking about babies and whatnot when it’s friendly and nonjudgmental and the tone is just one of interest. With some of these conversations, though, it’s always much more subtle and harder to deflect. It’s such a challenge to me, because really, I just don’t care what choices other people make about raising their kids. I don’t want to make them feel bad, and it seems like a lot of people are insecure about their choices, always second-guessing whether they’re doing the right thing. I can understand that; we all want what’s best for our kids, but the thing is, we don’t all have to do the same thing. And what we’re doing isn’t necessarily what you should be doing.
I just want to tell people to make their choices and pretend to be confident about it until it turns into real confidence. I’m not looking at what other people are doing - we’re just taking it day by day (sometimes hour by hour) and asking for advice when it feels like the right thing to do. As often as people say it, it doesn’t seem widely believed: babies are all different, families are all different, the ways we do things are all different. It’s not a competition.
Other mom: How old is your baby?
Me: Oh, about 4.5 months.
Other mom: Whoa - how much does he weigh?
Me: Somewhere around 17 pounds. How old is your baby?
Other mom: 7 months.
Me: Oh, he’s so… (Can’t ask about weight. Baby is clearly much smaller. Panicking. Don’t want to say “little” since some people seem to think it’s an insult. Which it totally isn’t.) …nice. You have a nice baby. Yeah, he’s nice. Oh, look! He’s smiling! Yay. Babies.
Or they go like this:
Other mom: So what did you used to do for work before staying home?
Me: I’m a copyeditor. I still work a little bit. What about you?
Other mom: Oh, well, my job as a (state former job here) was super important, but of course I quit so I can give my baby all of my attention.
Me: That’s so great. I’m so happy for you.
Other mom: I just don’t see why you would keep working.
But wait! This particular topic can take the opposite, equally awkward, turn:
Other mom: So what did you used to do for work before staying home?
Me: I’m a copyeditor. I still work a little bit. What about you?
Other mom: Well, I still work of course. I wish I didn’t have to. It’s not really fair that I have to work when other people don’t.
Me: Yeah. Life is so unfair.
Or this:
Other mom: So what did you used to do for work before staying home?
Me: I’m a copyeditor. I still work a little bit. What about you?
Other mom: Well, I still work of course. Sometimes it’s hard to be a working mom, but I want my kids to grow up and know that strong women can balance it all. I can’t imagine staying home all day. I would go crazy. Plus my kid needs to go to daycare for socialization.
Me: (Thinking, If you think I’m not a strong woman, you’ve clearly never met a strong woman. Must mumble something to make conversation stop.) Mmmhmm. Oh, I think my baby needs his diaper changed.
More fun topics:
Other mom: You use cloth diapers? I wanted to use cloth, but (enter reason here)
Other mom: You’re breastfeeding? That’s so great. I wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t work because (enter reason here).
Me: Yeah. (Thinking, This conversation has nothing to do with me. Say something vague.) Everyone makes different choices.
I like talking about babies and whatnot when it’s friendly and nonjudgmental and the tone is just one of interest. With some of these conversations, though, it’s always much more subtle and harder to deflect. It’s such a challenge to me, because really, I just don’t care what choices other people make about raising their kids. I don’t want to make them feel bad, and it seems like a lot of people are insecure about their choices, always second-guessing whether they’re doing the right thing. I can understand that; we all want what’s best for our kids, but the thing is, we don’t all have to do the same thing. And what we’re doing isn’t necessarily what you should be doing.
I just want to tell people to make their choices and pretend to be confident about it until it turns into real confidence. I’m not looking at what other people are doing - we’re just taking it day by day (sometimes hour by hour) and asking for advice when it feels like the right thing to do. As often as people say it, it doesn’t seem widely believed: babies are all different, families are all different, the ways we do things are all different. It’s not a competition.
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